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Music [18 Aug 2006|04:25pm]
I stole this. :p
Apparently you have to put your music list to shuffle and answer the questions with the songs that appear, in order.

Okie, so you gotta put your musics on shuffle and use the titles in the right order- don't cheat! to answer these questions.

How does the world see me?:
Summer: Tense - Clint Mansell and the Kronos Quartet
... that might be accurate.

Will I have a happy life?:
Amerika - Rammstein
Like they say, it's wunderbahr.

What do people really think of me?:
The Beetlejuice TV-Series Theme Song
Oh, if only.

Do people secretly lust after me?:
The Plagues - Prince of Egypt Soundtrack
That's just rude. Seriously.

How can I make myself happy?:
High and Dry - Radiohead
I'm liking the "high" part.

What should I do with my life?:
Heroes from the Past - Oratory
I am Hercules incarnate!

Will I ever have children?:
Hidden Souls - Equilibrium Soundtrack
That seems like a very creepy yes. The way I interpret it is that I'll knock up some girl whilst I'm drunk.

What is some good advice for me?:
Night at the Roses - Dresden Dolls
I'm allergic to flowers. :(

What do I think my current theme song is?:
Brothers - Pearl Harbour Soundtrack
I'm so corny.

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:
Your Stories, My Alibis - Matchbook Romance
Others think I'm screamy punky emo?

What song will play at my funeral?:
4 Mains - Wim Mertens (Belly of an Architect Soundtrack)
That'd be cool actually. But only if it was performed live on a grand piano.

What type of men/women do you like?:
Imaginary - Evanesence
Wow. Just wow. :p

What is my day going to be like?:
Confrontation - Les Misérables Soundtrack
I hope so. Life's been boring recently. I could do with some drama confrontation stuff.

Why am I here?:
I'm Into Folk - The Radio's

What will people remember me for?:
Dead Girls - Voltaire
... Well my classmates always said about our group picture "This is the one they're going to use in documentaries when you're finally a famous serial killer".

What song will I get stuck in my head tomorrow?:
Meeting Tom Riddle - Harry Potter CoS Soundtrack
Unlikely, but could be.

Are there people outside waiting to take me away?:
The Battle - Gladiator Soundtrack
Fight fight fight! *locks door*

What will this year be all about?:
Tears To Shed - Corpse Bride Soundtrack
Damnit. Although nobody said anything about it being my tears.

Feel free to steal this as well. And let me know about it. :p
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Dreamtime [02 Aug 2006|05:58pm]
"The only person who should be self-loathing, is the one who kills someone, for no reason at all, and goes home to have a cup of coffe."

I dreamed I murdered someone.

I dreamed I murdered several people. Instead of guilt or remorse, I was filled with an overwhelming fear of getting found out - as if the only thing stopping me from killing was not a sense of morals or ethics, but the realisation of the consequences. This is in fact a theme I first thought about right after seeing The Great Ecstacy of Robert Carmichael, but I never really consciously thought about it.

There was a head in my refrigerator. There were bodies, hidden in my room. In the dream - not unlike in real life - I had to move out soon, and my main recurring thought was "Shit, what do I do with the bodies?". Every time I relaxed, every time I sank back into a more peaceful state of mind, there was a shriek - "Shit, what do I do with the bodies?"

I woke up in the middle of dragging a corpse to the river, argueing with myself that it was no good, the cops would find out, even the water wouldn't wash away the forensic evidence, they'd find it all out. Shit shit shit. And suddenly I am in my bed, shivering, recognising a bad dream for what it is, and pulling the sheets over my head.

I close my eyes, trying to get some sleep - I only have half an hour left before I have to wake up and go to work. I relax. And suddenly, my heart skips a beat. For a moment, I'm filled with sheer panic, as I think "Shit, what am I going to do with the bodies?"

"... What bodies? It was a dream."
The bodies in your room.
"There are no bodies in my room. It's not real."
Isn't it?
Doubt. Paranoia. Panic.
The head in your refrigerator, isn't it real?

I'm awake. But not really. The reality of my dream enters the reality of my life. I see myself lying in bed, bodies scattered all around me, the sickening odour of decay filling up my nose. When my alarm clock goes off, I snap out of it, shivering and ready to throw up.

Maybe there is something wrong with my head after all.
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Autobiography. Yo. [26 Jul 2006|01:55am]
Stolen from Deemer. Because I can.


Part 1: How I Came To Be

Were you a planned baby?:
No. I only found out a couple of months ago, as well. Before that, I always knew my mother was twenty when she had me and was still in college, but somehow I never really thought anything strange about that. Way to go, me.

Were you the first?:

Were your parents married when you were born?:
No. They weren't even living together yet after I was born.

What is your birthday?:
October 31st, what's it to you?

Part 2: My Family

How would you describe your family?: (Is this "father mother siblings" family or "father mother siblings aunts uncles cousins grandparents" family? I'll answer this as if it were the latter)
People I've grown apart from over the last few years. With some family members, I regret that. With others, I don't. I've always had the feeling I never wanted to be like (most) relatives from my father's side of the family, and I haven't seen those in years. After my grandfather (on my mother's side of the family) died, a lot of dark family secrets on that side suddenly turned up, so I'm keeping my distance a bit from some people there. Incidentally, my other grandfather (father's father) was found dead one morning sitting just outside a bar. Just as my father know, he was an alcoholic. Hereditary? Fun times. And here I am worrying about baldness. But I digress.

Are your parents married, divorced or separated?
Divorced. Been six years now.

If you have siblings are you oldest, middle, or youngest?

What are your siblings’ names?
Kim. My parents are pathetically uninspired. Really. They're such bores. I would've called her "Shanayaznizzle" or something.

Which parent do you get along with best?:
My mom. To get along with my dad I would actually have to see him, I suppose, and that's been about two years.

Do you have step parents?

Part 3: The Friends

Do you have more than one best friend?:
I don't think I have a "best friend". It's a weird concept, and if I had a best friend, I'd probably be shagging him. But then that would defeat the concept best friend and lean closer to boyfriend. Or sexbuddy. But I digress again. I was going to write something deep here. (Haha, get it? Deep. Innuendo.)
Seriously, all my friends are important to me. I won't say they're all equally important, but they all are in their own way.

Who are your good friends?:
The ones I talk to on a regularly basis. I'm not a very social person. I'm not someone with tons of "acquaintances" - frankly I think they're a waste of time. I'd rather save my time and energy for my real friends than hang out with people who essentially bore me; in a way I'd consider it an insult to my friends, as well. If someone isn't really a friend, we won't talk anymore after two weeks. Unless they're persistent, I'm usually too polite to tell someone to piss off. Unless, of course, they really annoy me.

Do you share the same interests?:
With most I do. With some, there are huge differences, but the good kind - the way you can actually interest eachother. But I can't be friends with someone who will for example whine about shoes all the time.

Which friend can you tell anything to?:
All of the close ones, really. Althoug I tend to split things up, tell one friend something about me and another one another thing about me. I've often thought if all my friends one day came together and gossiped about me, they could get close to forming a picture of who I really am. That frightens me.

Part 4: Your Personality

How high/low is your self esteem?:
Low in some aspects, moderate in others. High in few aspects, but those are more rare.

Do you get depressed about things easily?:
Not clinicallly depressed, but gloomy. And I'm a neurotic worrier. You don't want to know, really. :p

Are you happy?:
I suppose so. I was happier a month ago, because of someone who taught me you shouldn't let your happiness depend on others. I can't really complain about being unhappy (although I do, plenty of times. I just don't really mean it too much.)

Do you live life to the fullest?
I'm pretty sure I don't. But I have fun. After all, if every day's a party, the party's become quite dull, and you'll need it all to become more extreme, untill eventually you've reached some limit - or realise you've gone far over that limit, and then it's all pointless. I also think nobody dies completely without regrets or thoughts of things they could have done, that could have been, etc.

Part 5: Appearance

Are you comfortable with the way you look?:
Never. I've taught myself not to care anymore.

Any piercing:

How do you dress?:
Um. Don't know? I don't usually pay attention during the act of clothing myself.

Part 6: The Past

Were you a strange child?
Yes. I got picked on. Hehe.

Who did you use to love that you no longer do?
The first person I ever really fell in love with. When I think about it now, I just feel a big nothingness, and some pity for the way I acted back then.
And my father.

Do you have the same friends?:
I have one who's been around since our first year in elementary school. The rest are all quite recent (the "oldest" going back 3-5 years).

Part 7: The Future

What is your ambition?
Nothing particularly great or overly ambitious. To find happiness in myself and with other people, cliché as that may sound. Perhaps reach out to others through "art" (writing, I suppose, or comics, they can be art) and at least make some of them feel.

Want to get married?:
No. Never.

Part 8: The Outdoors

Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?:
It all depends on my mood, or the company. Lately I prefer to just spend almost every evening in the park, with a book or with friends.

What is your favorite season:
Autumn. The colours are amazing, from reddish brown leaf to pale grey sky. I always imagine the world is dying, and it gives me the weirdest sensation.

Favorite weather?:
The oppressing heat, sudden wind gusts and yellow-grey sky right before a big summer thunderstorm.

Do you like walking in the rain?:
Sometimes, yes. Occasionally barefoot, but only in summer.

Part 9: Food

Are you a vegetarian?:
No. Never.
By the way, I don't think that's a very good question. It's like asking "are you gay?", just a way to further propagate segregation. Being vegetarian should not be seen as something different, because that way, just like gay pride, you get veggie pride - a vegetarian "minority group" making a fuss and getting all in your face about meat and how you shouldn't eat it.

What is your favorite food?:
Roast chicken. And steak. Admittedly, the main reasons why I'm not a vegetarian myself.
I also love things like barbeques, fondues and gourmets. (Whatever you call those in English)

What is your favorite restaurant?:
I haven't eaten at a restaurant in ages, so I really couldn't say. The last one I went to was a Greek restaurant in Schaarbeek. It must've been quite nice, since it's the only recent one I can remember.

Are you a fussy eater?:
Oh yes.

Part 10: Relationships and Love

Do you think love is the best feeling in the world?:
Not the best, but one of the strongest. Because love and hate are the same feeling, just inversed - and in some cases, it doesn't take much to inverse them. It can drive us to do amazing things, or lead us to total destruction.
However, I don't believe it's the strongest feeling. I firmly believe all feelings descend from one primal feeling, i.e. fear. Love/Hate is probably the feeling directly under fear - love can be explained as a simple fear of being alone. Romantic love, then, is even more without grace - a simple biological fear of failing at life's purpose, namely to reproduce.
However, I do strongly believe in love, and not just the romantic kind - there is not one of my friends whom I don't love, one way or another.

Do you believe in love at first sight?:
No. I do believe in love after a first hours-long-conversation, and even then, I think it's rare.
Love at first sight should be called "physical attraction at first sight", in my opinion. But what do I know, right? Right. :p

Actually the whole reason I'm doing this whole autobiography thing is because earlier today I was skipping through Stephen King's autobiography, and he mentioned the golden rule of "read a lot, write a lot". Now, ashamed as I am to confess this, I sometimes dream of being a writer - writing critics or columns for a magazine, writing short stories or perhaps even (yes!) a novel. It's not a dream I have much faith in, sadly, due to my unfortunate habit of having things coming to me in waves - one month I want to draw, the next month I want to write, the next I'm devoted to my piano, etc. - but I am trying. But for now, the trying has gone far enough.
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Gregorius XIII [08 Dec 2005|05:41pm]
The days grow short and colder, while the nights grow long and colder. November passes to December, because one magic day Gregorius decided it should be so.
It has been so ever since, and it will be so forever more. Unless someone passes by and says: "No, Gregorius, you were wrong there, friend!", but that seems to me very unlikely. Who would waste his time with something like that?
And, come on, Gregorius: now he was a guy! In his day a Pope could get respect without having been associated with the Hitlerjugend.

If Gregorius were still alive, I often ask myself when I stand before the shopping mall Gent Zuid, would he buy his food here too? This time, however, I do not wonder about this.
I was on my way to buy some croissants with the money I saved from the previous blog entry. After dodging several marketeers and surveymonkeys my usual train of thought was roughly disturbed by the appearance of a woman begging for some money inside the building.

My first shameful, though perfectly understandable capitalist thought was this:
Woman, why don't you go stand outside, people will give you more money when you're freezing to death.


A few hours or an eternity later I found myself on a wobbly train bound for Brussels. I will not pretend that I am an important person, who has to be present at important places (like Gregorius, for example), but that doesn't change the fact that I was on my way to Brussels that night.
The train rumbled into Brussels-South Station and met a Thalys bound for Paris. I glanced out the window and saw a young woman sitting in the train next to me. She was absorbed in her book, but when the Thalys stopped she briefly looked up.
Hesitating, I raised a hand. She looked at me sceptically and hesitated for a moment as well. Then she waved back, and for the shortest moment there was still hope for this world.
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Youth Sentiment [25 Nov 2005|12:51am]
The dead christmas lighting hang in shril contrast to the metallic sky, which is only illuminated by the bleak November sun. The masses drag on in a still-not-quite-Christmas mood. The entrance of Fnac looks inviting.

A corpulent salesman leads an equally corpulent customer away from the isolated stack of PowerBooks under a constant waterfall of words.
"Apple computers are overrated," I hear him say as they pass me by. I decide not to get involved, and start the climb.

Trembling I behold them, in their pure white boxes. The same kind of games that kept me happy when I was younger, now only with better graphics, better gameplay, less emotions and storyline, and all that for just triple the price they used to be.

I leave the store with a cold heart but with the warm glowing realisation that I'll at least be able to buy food for the remainder of the month.
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Myes, mahahahaha. [23 Oct 2005|06:13pm]

Alfred Ashford

You are 39% Killing Machine, 72% Quick Thinking and 24% one of the Good Guys!

Ah yes, Alfred Ashford, the deranged, crossdressing loonatic. This is
you, so stop looking so smug! You are a sneaky little critter, who has
his morals aaaall wrong.You want to put you and your family's name back
at the top of the ladder, at ANY expense! Including that of human life!
And you only have your own interests at heart! You're also quite good
at escaping and staying alive, but we'd rather stay away from you
anyway, seeing as though you dress up in your sister's clothes, ya
freakin' weirdo!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 0% on CombatAbility
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 97% on Evasion
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 0% on Morality
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 0% on MaleOrFemale

Link: The Resident Evil Character Test written by BrumKing on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test
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My life [28 Aug 2005|02:17am]
[ mood | amused ]

Hmh. I really don't write as much in this journal as I would want to. The truth is, half of the time I just have no idea how to voice my emotions or opinions. But I'm doing my best to change that.

Yesterday, I was confronted with a less positive aspect of my personality - and I say less positive because I have no negative aspects to my personality, hah - by someone who in fact knows me pretty well. Which got me thinking he might be on to something. I shall look into this, and take the appropriate action, if I find it necessary.

There's a party going on a block or so from my house. It's quite loud. I am unpleased about this. :(

Also my comrade Mr Xander has asked me to voice my opinion in exquisite detail about the movie "Team America: World Police", which I shall attempt to do right here.

Ahem. Do keep in mind that these are simply my views, and not absolute truth. No matter how much I'd want it to be so.

Team America: World Police (Some spoiling)

I'm having a really hard time figuring out what I think about this movie.

I think it's great, there's no doubt about that - of course not as great as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but that movie literally made me squeal. It's a lovely parody on the Thunderbirds, for one. I don't know how I survived watching that when I was a kid.

Then, I encounter the first problem. Take the opening scene, for example. The terrorists are planning some bad-ass terrorism, Team America comes, blows shit up, and all is well. It's funny because it's true.

But it's also horrible because it's true.

Which is what they aim at during the ending scene - which I'm still not sure about if it was serious or sarcastic. If it weren't for the terrorists, America wouldn't police the world, blowing shit up and creating more terrorists in the process. But is that really true?

Hasn't America always had a knack for getting involved in situations they ought not to get involved in? *cough* Vietnam, anyone? *cough*
Now you may call me a slimy European Commie-Weasel and yell at me "Where would you have been if we hadn't gotten involved during World War II?", but just think about it. Chances are I'd just start whining about America's interests during World War II and the Red Army reaching Berlin and ending the war far before American troops did, anyway.

Edit: And also some of the awkward gay scenes made me squirm uncomfortably.

In conclusion; You are worthless, Arec Barrwin, you are worthless Arec Barrwin.

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Charlie [18 Aug 2005|09:37pm]
[ mood | sick ]

Grar. I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory two days ago.
Best movie in a very long while - despite the whole "Wonka's Past Teen Angst" fanfic in it.

And tomorrow I'm going to Pukkelpop. Which is some kind of a rock-ish festival. Marilyn Manson will be there. And Nightwish. And our very own Zornik.


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Venting [12 Aug 2005|07:39pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Very well then. You win, I lose. Is that what you want to hear?

Do you want me to lay down, roll over and die, put the laughable idea that you might like me out of my head for good?

Do you maybe like feeling so bloody important, to have someone who keeps coming back to you in spite of your cold apathy towards them?

I'm not usually one to give up. But I'm getting increasingly aggrevated.

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[07 Aug 2005|04:14pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I need to sleep!

I hate it that sometimes I have nothing to do for an entire month, and then suddenly everyone starts inviting me to parties every night, so that I'm sleep-deprived and hung-over every day.

Foam parties, by the way, are evil. They made me lose my bet.

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Bankruptcies and Philosophies [04 Aug 2005|10:02am]
[ mood | pensive ]

Out of sheer boredom, yours truly ventured outside in this hazardous world yesterday - during daytime even! Amazingly enough, I made it to my neighbour's house, where I quickly went inside for shelter.

And played Sega Dreamcast.

Ahhhh, Dreamcast.

Mr Sega, how could you be so stupid? You gave us Sonic. You gave us consoles far superior to the Nintendo shit in the early 1990's. How could you release the Dreamcast one week before the PlayStation would be released? I sure hope you fired the one responsible for this bad marketing decision.

And may he be cursed forevermore for bringing about the first action that lead your once great Empire down the road of bankruptcy. Because now Sonic is property of I don't know who. And they make really stupid games on him. And that really sucks.


Yesterday night, we stared at the stars for a while. And pondered about the Universe. How it came to be, where it ends, what's beyond the stars.

An interesting observation made was that perhaps there was something obvious, but that we just can't perceive it. Think of this: if we didn't have a nose, we wouldn't perceive smell. We wouldn't know there was such a thing as smell, because all of us lacked the means to perceive it.

Now imagine there is something that would explain a great deal about the universe, but we don't know it's here, because or body simply has no senses to perceive it. And perhaps, somewhere out there, there's life that we never could perceive, either.

Our general conclusion was that our brains wouldn't be capable of accepting the truth about the Universe, anyway.

You see. We are pretty deep for a bunch of drunk shits.

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First Post [03 Aug 2005|04:03pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Yes. Yet another online journal by yours truly. One does wonder, how long will I keep this one up?

Let us hope, it'll be a good and long time! A time of my exaggerated crazy real-life adventures, personal reflections, hallucinations and imaginary tales which you will believe to be true because you just don't know any better.

That is all for now.

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